I wish I had the same reasons for not writing this post as I did for Part 1. But I don’t. I mean I’ve been busy with work and such. But the fact is, I’ve had plenty of time to sit down and blog. If I were on trial for failure to blog my Netflix account would be called as the prosecutions primary witness. Anyway let’s just pull the bandaid off, it’s time.
I like to think of myself as a resilient person. I don’t like to wallow for long. However, I think for the month after losing my Uncle Paul in a tragic pedestrian-vehicle accident and losing Crickett my “second mother” to cancer within a month, I was in denial about my emotional state.
That’s what happened the day of the ACU “Believe Me” premier. I found out that my Uncle Paul had died exactly a month after our dear family friend Crickett Iley passed away from cancer almost exactly two years after her husband Tom also passed away from cancer.
So, without going into the exhausting details, let me just say loss is a powerful thing. It changes your life; it can change your purpose, and your emotional breadth.
For me my natural tendency to say yes, okay, sure, not a problem, I can; became my crutch. I used them as a deflective shield to avoid being honest about how deeply their loss affected me.
My using those words to deflect turned them into poison. I was bitter every time I said yes to serving at church. I resented the thing that my heart had been tuned for.
Then, one night I hit that point when the dam breaks and the emotions rush forth with unrelenting force.
I had to be honest with myself and with God. Admit I had been trying to bear my burdens alone. I needed to take time to soak in his light and love, rather than try to pour it out.
So, I made on of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I had to say no.
No to serving.
What does it feel like to say no to something your heart is designed for? It feels like your heart has been ripped out and crushed in front of you and when you look down, you see your hands doing the crushing.
But after that moment passed I felt my heart restart, the weight was gone and the light shined again. I had renewed passions. I recharged and re-evaluated my priorities and goals.
I dove into my relationship with Christ and who I am supposed to be in him.
It’s taken six months of reflection and liberty from regular service to realize my servant heart still exists and that it is okay for me to say no. But, I have also found it is okay for me to say yes.
One of my friends I helped out recently asked me if I was planning a long-term con on him because my service was, to quote, ridiculous. The comment made me laugh and we joked about how long of a con that would have to be for me to ever see any benefit.
Looking back at that moment I realize how far I’ve come in six months. Instead of saying yes to everything, I pick the things I feel truly called to do. I choose to serve/help because I know I’m supposed to and want to.
It has been my most impactful “Captain Obvious” moment yet.
Katheryn Canisno 